


Am I Your Anything?

by scarredsodeep



Category: AFI
Genre: Crush, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, High School, M/M, Music, New Neighbor, Romance, Self-Harm, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-09-18
Updated: 2005-09-18
Packaged: 2018-03-05 00:01:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3097448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarredsodeep/pseuds/scarredsodeep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave's new neighbor is none other than the glorious Jade Puget. Will Dave's secret love stand in the way of their friendship? What if Jade overhears Davey singing love songs?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. pt. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Except for the small part of Hunter’s soul I keep in a jar in my room, I do not own AFI. Seeing as God is not as cruel as I am, these events are not true and never happened. Characters not associated with AFI are of my own creation.

David Marchand stared out of his new window, looking at the new street, the new trees, the new obnoxious toddlers gather around the moving van. He’d lived in Ukiah all his life, and his parents tried to console the sulking 15-year-old with the fact they hadn’t left the town, just the neighborhood, but it was useless. Davey glared at the house across the street. It wasn’t Adam’s, and he hated it. It didn’t matter who lived there; it could be a Swedish bikini model for all Davey cared, he hated that house. It didn’t even look like Adam’s.

Sighing miserably, he laid back on his mattress. It was cool in his new, basement room; his parents had promised to fund whatever sort of decorating he felt like having, but that wasn’t going to make up for the fact that Adam was a mile away. Neither was giving him the room in the basement that he wanted. This, Davey decided, would be the worst summer of his life.

˚

“Dave, hon, if you aren’t busy,” Mrs. Marchand started, knocking softly on her eldest son’s door, “Paul wants to go for a bike ride. Could you take him?”

“He’s ten years old, mother. I think he can handle a bike ride,” Davey snapped through the door. It was probably just a ploy to get him out of the house.

“David! You haven’t left that room since we got here!”

Definitely a ploy. “That was only a day ago.”

“I don’t care, Davey. You need some fresh air, sweetheart. Besides, I want to paint your bathroom…”  
He’d let her get away with it. She meant well. “What color?” he sighed, unlocking the door.

“Green,” she said brightly, visibly relieved. “What color do you want for your room, dear? While I’m picking up paint?”

“The darkest red they have,” Davey said, pulling a black t-shirt out of his cardboard box of clothes and pulling it on over his undershirt. Mrs. Marchand sighed, but didn’t push him. She had enough to worry about right now without trying to get inside her sulking son’s head.

˚

“Where do you want to go now?” Davey asked Paul darkly.  
Of course, he loved his brother, but right now he would’ve spoken harshly to a kitten. He was not in a good mood.

Pushing off the curb, Paul stated matter-of-factly, “You’re no fun. Let’s go home, okay? Maybe there’ll be a boy my age, instead of just stupid girls.”

“There’s no girls my age,” Davey snorted, pulling ahead of his brother, driveway beckoning from the horizon. “Of course.”

“There’s no boys, either. They’re all older than you,” Paul yelled, racing as hard as he could, trying to beat his brother.

“Adam’s my age!” Davey yelped back, throwing his bike into the carefully trimmed bush in his front yard. It was starting to get dark, and lightning bugs were starting to flicker. He laid back on the front yard, and Paul- after wheeling his bike into the driveway- sat down next to him.

“Did you finish your song yet?” asked Paul, trying to cheer his brother up by talking about the one thing he loved as much as Adam: writing.

“No,” Davey sighed. “I need music for it.”

“Your voice is good enough, isn’t it?” asked Paul. His brother had a beautiful singing voice, everyone said so.  
Paul, personally, thought he sounded like a girl, but he wasn’t going to say anything while Dave was in a mood like this.

“Sing one of your other ones, then,” Paul begged. It always made Davey smile when Paul asked to hear his songs. Him, Davey, and Adam used to sit out on the Carsons’ lawn like this. Sometimes Dave would sing, other times they’d talk, or even just not say anything.  
After Paul had to go into bed, Adam and Davey would stay out for hours. If Paul looked out the window, he used to be able to see them until two, three in the morning. On school nights, Dave had to come in at twelve, but now it was summer. Paul wondered what Davey would do when he had to go in.

“I don’t really feel like singing tonight-” Davey started.

“One of the quiet ones, please,” Paul insisted. He liked when Davey did the loud ones and Adam drummed on empty coffee cans best, but maybe a sad one would make Davey feel better. He was no fun to fight with when he was sad; he wouldn’t even wrestle.

Davey closed his eyes and started to sing, cold, desolate words Paul didn’t remember having heard before.

“That was,” Paul started when Davey was done, but stopped when he saw the tears streaking down his older brother’s face.

“Morningstar,” Davey said hoarsely. “It’s the new one.”

˚

Davey stretched and yawned. The sun was beating on his face through his window, which supplied the toxin-free air he needed to live; his mother had painted his room yesterday ‘to cheer him up’, deep blood red, one wall with silver oozing from where it met the ceiling and dripping down the wall. She had done well; it looked exactly how he’d pictured it, exactly how he’d wanted it. His mahogany desk was against that wall; so was his bookshelf. His stereo, dented file cabinet, mattress, and TV- complete with Sega- occupied the rest of the room. He’d gotten rid of his bed frame and other furniture during the move; all he had to do was put his clothes in his closet, unpack his books, CDs, and assorted notebooks and pens, hang his posters, and his room would be… perfect. Davey leapt up. The floor was cool, a good match for the typical Ukiah heat, and he dove for his stack of boxes. He could use a shower and his hair was sticking up weird in the back, but as soon as he was unpacked he could have Adam come over.

It was ten o’clock when Davey was clean as his perfectly organized room, and restless. He couldn’t call Adam, he had to wait for Adam to call him; he slept late, at least compared to early-rising Davey (Adam called him depraved), and if he woke up his friend it would only earn him a strangled moan, muttered obscenities, and the dial tone. Adam would call as soon as he woke up, he always did.

Davey grabbed a notebook off his desk and glanced out the window. A bright white square caught his eye. Slowly, he crossed over to the window and lifted the folded piece of paper, damp with dew. Carefully he unfolded it and stared at the scrawling black marks across it. Eventually, he realized it was writing. A while later, it occurred to him to read it:

Guess you’re already asleep. Should at least have a screen in. Paint fumes better than mosquitoes. Heard you singing; sounds good. Not a freak, I live next door. You go to UHS? I’m on the left. Come over if you feel like it- I’m always awake.  
Jade

Davey’s breath caught. Could ‘Jade’ possibly mean ‘Jade Puget’? He would be a junior this year, a year ahead of Davey, but Davey knew who he was. He was in Davey’s Spanish class but they’d never spoken. The reason Davey knew him was only that he thought Jade was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen in his life: wide eyes and easy smile, smooth skin, gentle laugh, black jeans and sideburns.

It couldn’t be the same Jade; there was no way Davey lived next door to Jade Puget. Adam knew about Jade- he’d read one of Davey’s notebooks, once, during his phase of writing about Jade. It wasn’t his fault; quiet and shy, Jade was just so alive, tapping his fingers incessantly, pinkie twice, stumbling awkwardly over his words, and smiling about little things, so skinny he hurt to look at. Sketching the other boy was going too far, Davey realized when he started failing Spanish, and when Adam found one of the drawings.

If Adam had found it, so could anyone else.

But that was the thing about Adam, he hadn’t minded, just smiled and warned, “Don’t waste your talent, Dave. Don’t get hurt.”

They’d never spoken about it again, and Davey was pretty sure he was straight- but there was a chance he was wrong. Should be risk it? Should he go and hope to make a friend, go and risk re-igniting the crush that he’d swore he didn’t have, or stay inside and hope that he caught a glimpse of the beautiful Jade?

“It’s not the same Jade, Dave,” Davey said out loud. “It’s probably just some girl who you’ve never seen before in your life.”

Nodding decisively, he held the note out over his garbage can- and retracted his hand, stuffing the note into the pocket of his loose jeans before he had time to think about it.

“If it’s not the same Jade, then what’s the harm in going?” he reasoned, smiling grimly and shoving his long bangs out of his eyes. It was better than waiting for Adam to call, right?

˚

Davey shifted his weight awkwardly as the door to the blue house swung open. Around a huge mouthful of food, one of last year’s seniors Davey vaguely recognized asked, “Jade?”

Davey nodded. The guy, who towered over Dave, pointed up the stairs. “Black door,” he grunted, and wandered back towards what, if this house was laid out like Davey’s new one, would be the kitchen.

Hesitantly, Davey walked up the stairs. This was possibly the weirdest thing he’d ever done, without Adam.

The doors were all a light oak color in a light yellow hallway, and Davey’s eyes were drawn immediately to the black exception. There was no use lying to himself anymore as he ran his fingers over the cold silver handle. This was Jade Puget’s house. The only reason he was here was because he knew, and he always had known, that this was Jade Puget’s house. The godly outcast, the beautiful stranger who had haunted so many of his dreams and filled so many of his notebooks.

That was over. By opening the door, he would prove to himself for once and for all that his only interest in Jade was platonic curiosity.

“Shit, is it locked again?” a low, smooth voice asked behind Davey. “I always do that-”

Davey turned around, excuses ready, but froze when he processed what he was seeing. The tall, lean, soft-muscled body of Jade Puget- wet, hair dripping down his neck, a towel wrapped around his waist. Of course it would be too much to ask that the first time Davey ever spoke to the most beautiful man in the world he’d be wearing more than a towel.

“Oh. David,” Jade said, voice softening. Davey fixed his eyes on the tattoo on Jade’s arm as he flushed bright red. Jade Puget knew his name. He’d thought he was done having those dreams.

“You know my name,” Davey all but whimpered.

Jade pushed wet hair out of his huge brown eyes. “Here, can you pick the lock?” he asked, smiling and producing a bent paperclip from nowhere. “I’m gonna go put eyeliner on.”

Is that why his eyes are so beautiful? I should wear eyeliner, Davey thought, stunned, and somehow Jade was gone and the clip was in Davey’s hand. Real, solid… awake. The door wasn’t locked; it wasn’t even latched. Davey took a deep breath and pushed it open.

He was hit with a crippling wave of incense. One more deep breath and he staggered into a vast world of crumpled up clothes, black walls, guitars, and a pink-and-black bed set. There was a huge translucent plastic dresser with various tubes of make-up strewn on top and next to it, a large vertical mirror half-taken over by black and white photos, which were pinned up around the room along with scribbled-on sheet music. Davey tripped over a three-week-old pizza box and just missed landing on one of the five guitars. He didn’t know much about guitars, but these looked nice and hurting them didn’t seem like a good idea. There was a slate black desk with paper, covered in what Davey could identify as Jade’s writing, scattered across its smooth metal surface. The dark room was cheerfully well-lit by several electric wrought-iron wall scones. It was the brightest, sunniest, black room he’d ever seen.

Books towered in small architectural feats around the room and stacks of CDs climbed toward the ceiling. It wasn’t altogether much different from Davey’s new dream room. The finishing touch was the hideous, lime green over-stuffed armchair wedged into a small, seemingly pointless niche in the corner of Jade’s enormous room. Small, metal sheets stuck out from the walls at various heights around the room, decorated with pictures, stray books and journals, guitar equipment and empty glasses. Davey was squinting into the smudged frame of a full-color photo of what looked like a Hallmark family when Jade sauntered in, closed the door, and commanded, “Avert your eyes.”

Davey stared at the picture so hard his head started to ache until Jade finally said, “Okay, I’m dressed.”

Davey, trembling, turned around to face now fully-clad Jade, whose dark hair was still dripping down his back.

“Welcome to casa de Jade,” Jade said lightly, a smile gracing his features.

This isn’t weird unless you make it that way, Dave. He doesn’t care what people think, he won’t judge you, don’t fuck up, Davey thought rapidly as Jade picked up a pink guitar.

“You play,” Davey stated. In response, Jade’s fingers flew through the screeching solo of a Cure song and, when finished, grinned eagerly.

“Wow,” Davey, said. The Cure was one of his favorite bands. “You’re good.”

Jade lowered the guitar back onto its stand, dove across his bed, and grabbed a pretty green acoustic from where it leaned next to his dresser. Perching on the edge of the bed, he started picking out a soft but vaguely familiar palm-muted melody. “I’m hyperactive,” he said apologetically, not even looking at the beautifully singing instrument in his hands. “I can listen and play at the same time, though, so we can talk. I just- I dunno, I can’t really organize my thoughts right when I’m not playing. My words always end up coming out wrong, you know? Notes, chords, keys- those make sense. They’re like their own little language. Hey, sit down,” he added. Davey hesitantly lowered himself onto the bed, his mind buzzing with Jade.

“You know anybody in this neighborhood?” Jade asked after a prolonged silence.

“How do you know me?” Davey blurted.

Jade smiled. “I heard you singing-”

“No, my name,” Davey interrupted. “David. You know it wrong, I’m Davey, but-”

“Davey,” Jade repeated, and the name sounded clear and smooth from his lips. “I did not know your name, only what Srta. Perez called you in Spanish.”

“You noticed me in Spanish,” Davey said blankly. Jade made an imperceptible mistake- the music flowed so naturally that Davey hadn’t noticed-, winced, and started the melody over.

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Jade said teasingly. “I notice everyone. But you I remembered. I don’t know why,” he added hurriedly before Davey could ask.

“Oh,” Davey answered, satisfied. “No, I don’t know anyone who lives here.”

Jade stopped playing and held out his hand. “I’m Jade Puget. Want a tour?”

Davey’s words caught in his throat and he nodded breathlessly.

“I’ll drive,” Jade offered, leaping to his feet, tossing the guitar onto the bed and heading out the door.

Dazedly, Davey followed.

˚

“The most important place in this subdivision, and our first stop, is that house,” Jade said, two streets down and stopped in front of a modern-looking adobe house.

“Who lives here?” Davey asked. The longer he’d sat in Jade’s black Jeep, the easier his words had come. Jade blew stop signs and swore at darting squirrels like everyone else. He wasn’t a god, he was just a perfect man.

“A private school professional jackass,” Jade informed him. “The guy you wanna know. We can’t continue the tour without him.”

“Why?”

Jade laughed. “You have much to learn,” he announced in a fake superhero voice. In a hushed, conspirational tone, he added, “Hunter Burgan lives here.”

Davey nodded knowingly and said in the same tone, “I have no idea who that is.”

Jade grinned and shifted his idling car into park. “How about amending that situation?”

He never stops smiling, Davey thought. He wanted to spend the whole day alone with Jade- in a purely friendly way, he assured himself- but he agreed. It was in his best interest to meet other people, so he wouldn’t be alone in this new neighborhood when Jade realized what a loser he was.

Jade. He was sitting in the passenger seat of Jade Puget’s car, and now Jade Puget was pulling him out of the car, bouncing around like a hyperactive puppy. Last night, when he laid back onto his bed and fell into sweaty sleep, if someone had told him he’d be here, in six hour’s time, he would have laughed and rolled over. It just wasn’t possible.

Jade’s hand on Davey’s arm, and the way he left it there as he dragged Davey up the driveway, all the while speaking too quickly to possibly be understood, reminded him. Oh yeah, it was possible. Davey just listened to the beautiful voice.

The door was all but ripped off its hinges as Jade reached for the doorbell. Davey started as a bleached-blond wild-eyed creature shot out of the house yelling, “J-MAN! MY PLAYAH! MY PIMP!”

Jade laughed and elbowed Davey. “This,” he informed him, “is Hunter. He’s completely insane.”

“NOT INSANE, MY MAN!” Hunter yelled maniacally. “NOT EVEN CRAZY! DON’T HAVE TIME TO BE CRAZY, I’M TOO BUSY BEING HUNTER!”

“And getting high,” Jade muttered under his breath as Hunter dashed across his lawn and towards Jade’s car. “Shotgun!” he yelped, but Jade yelled after him in a strangely possessive tone, “Nope, that’s Davey’s seat.”

Hunter settled into the backseat, glaring suspiciously at Jade and poking the back of Davey’s head. “Who’s this Davey guy?” he demanded.

“He’s my friend,” Jade replied stubbornly. Davey felt something inside him die of joy.

Hunter popped his head over Davey’s shoulder and poked his arm. “How old are you?”

“15,” Davey answered shyly.

“Not legal, Kitten,” Hunter leered at Jade, who smacked his flying hands away from the steering wheel.

“Neither is whatever you just finished smoking,” Jade snapped. Davey didn’t understand why Jade’s smile was gone, but not seeing the smile made him feel cold inside. All he wanted, more than anything else in the world, was to live in a place where the smile wasn’t far away, where he could see it whenever he wanted and reach out and feel it beneath his fingers if ever he was lonely.

But he wasn’t gay, he’d promised himself that. Jade was fearless and funny and he was lonely in a new place, that was all. Davey pushed all thoughts of his old journals aside and bit down on his tongue. Jade just needed to smile again. Then everything would be okay.

˚

It was dark when Hunter finally headed home, and Davey was sad to see him go. Jade was right- maybe insane, maybe completely buzzed, but the most entertaining person he’d ever met.

And he’d gotten used to the buffer, as he found himself more and more inexplicably attracted to Jade- something to distract himself with. But now it was just him and Jade, and everything comfortable dissolved. Nervous. Horribly nervous.

“We gonna part company?” Jade asked. They were standing next to Jade’s car in awkward silence. They’d been everywhere, and Davey was tired, but the soft grass of his front yard called to him. It was habit, Adam or no.

“If you want,” Davey said hesitantly. “I’m gonna sit out front for a while- it’s just this thing I do.”

Jade smiled. “You gonna sing?”

“Might.”

“I’m there.”

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=2717>  



	2. pt. 1

The sun was starting to rise when Davey realized what time it was. Laughing, talking, singing for Jade- they’d talked about everything, from ice cream to Davey’s band to theology- and Davey had forgotten he was tired, forgotten about sleep, forgotten everything in the world but Jade and the electricity that that shot through him every time he brushed Jade’s skin.

“It’s five in the morning,” Davey informed Jade after consulting his watch.

“No kidding?” said Jade. “I’m not tired at all.”

“No kidding,” Davey echoed. “Wanna come in for some breakfast?”

Jade’s face fell and Davey suddenly remembered who he was with. Jade Puget. Why the hell would Jade Puget want to-

“Is your invitation valid for breakfast only?” Jade asked lightly.

“If breakfast is all you want,” Davey replied, realizing a moment too late that it almost sounded like he was trying to hit on Jade. Thankfully, Jade didn’t seem to notice, just grinned and said, “I’m actually not hungry. But I’ll come in, if you’ll have me.”

“It’s the least I can do after keeping you out all night,” Davey said calmly, gesturing grandly to his open window. His mind was racing. Was everything put away? Were the drawings hidden? Jade wouldn’t find a notebook, would he? And more importantly- had Jade been flirting with him?

The last question, at least, had a definite answer, denied the instant Davey dared to think it. He shook his head and dropped through the window after Jade. Some food and sleep and he’d be fine. He was clearly not thinking straight.

Davey headed directly to the large fridge in the basement, which was always better stocked than the upstairs fridge. There were also cardboard boxes of pantry food that Mrs. Marchand somehow hadn’t gotten to yet.

Davey ravaged the box and got sodas from the giant fridge before turning back to Jade. “If we’re quiet I won’t have to introduce you to my mom. You sure you don’t want anything?”

Jade nodded firmly. “I’m not hungry.” Jokingly, he added, “Is that your only interest in me? Dinner table small talk?”

“Not by any means,” Davey whispered, barely brave enough to get the words out. He’d flirted with plenty of girls, and he could barely deny that this teasing with Jade wasn’t much different.

“Davey-” Jade started to say, but was cut off by a ringing phone. Davey looked confused for a second- after all, it was five in the morning- and then lunged at it.

“Shit,” was his greeting.

“Yeah,” Adam agreed, very awake, and very pissed off.

“I meant to have you come over yesterday,” Davey assured his best friend, voice weak. Jade picked apart a granola bar and listened to Davey’s side of the conversation.

“No, Adam, Jesus Christ, I know I should’ve called—dammit, you sound like my mother—no, you listen first! I fucked up, okay? But we’re not fucking teenage girls—no, can you please try to not overreact for just one second—Adam, for God’s sake, I’m trying to—”

Jade cocked his head to one side and set down the dissected granola bar. “You’re handling this badly,” he informed Davey, taking the phone away. Davey protested weakly, but Jade covered his mouth with one hand. Stunned by the contact, Davey stopped talking. Breathing. Jade did not move his hand.

“Hi, you’re Adam?” Jade started. “No, I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Jade-”

Davey leaped to rip the phone away. Adam was mad at being blown off, who knows what he would say?

“Hold on, what? Davey’s—augh—gone feral—” Jade struggled to keep the phone away as Davey tackled him onto the couch. Breathless, he hissed into the recaptured phone, “Adam? Come over. Be good. No, of course he doesn’t know—look, just come over. Yeah, now,” and hung up. Then he scowled at Jade, who laughed. That was about when they both realized that they were tangled together and Davey scrabbled away, blushing violently. Jade smiled lazily and shifted so they could share the couch without Davey laying on top of him. Davey situated himself at his end, trying to force his cheeks back to the normal pallor unsuccessfully.

“What,” Jade asked, “was that?”

“Adam,” Davey sighed. “I was supposed to see him yesterday, or at least called and said I couldn’t. But I didn’t, and-”

“He threw a hissy fit,” Jade said in a high-pitched, girly voice that mimicked the panicked tone Davey had spoken on the phone with, but not unkindly.

“Yeah,” Davey laughed weakly. “You might not wanna be here when he gets here-”

Jade smiled. “I won’t mind you guys.”

“I just don’t want Adam to- wait, what?”

Jade shrugged. “It doesn’t bother me, that’s all. The whole kiss and make up thing.”

Davey flinched. “What, no-”

“I didn’t mean like that,” Jade explained carefully. I just mean, I know he’s your best friend and you guys have a friendship that I have no part in, but I don’t mind being on the outside.”

Davey bit his lip and remembered how Jade had treated him with Hunter. Like he was the most important person in the world. By he was scared- of Adam saying something, of Jade noticing how different Davey was with him- of being gay.

Davey sighed heavily. “It’s your choice. I just don’t want it to be uncomfortable for you…” he paused before blurting out, “Jade, before Adam gets here, there’s something I want to tell you.”

“Did you mean to say that out loud, Dave?” Jade laughed.

Davey winced. “It’s possible.”

“You looked pretty panicked,” Jade said, still laughing gently.

“I just- I haven’t known you very long but I feel like I can trust you-” Davey spat out in one breath, and stopped abruptly.

Jade smiled, pleased. “Flattery won’t get you out of confessing whatever it is you were about to say.”

Was he going to do this? Was he really going to say those horrible, untrue words to Jade- Jade Puget? Was he really-

“I think I’m gay.”

And as soon as the words were out, nothing else mattered, because they weren’t a lie, they weren’t the ticket to damnation his Catholic schooling had promised him, they weren’t a horrible curse- they weren’t really anything but words. True words. He wasn’t deciding anything- he wasn’t changing, didn’t feel anything big and different- he’d known all along, after all. He’d known. All he had done was say it to someone that as far as he was concerned, wasn’t even there, was just a dream.  
Telling Adam, or someone like that- now that would mean something. But this-

He was actually relieved. If Jade knew, he couldn’t very find out, could he? And a guy that wore eyeliner every day and ignored taunting- well, so what if he judged Davey? He was a freak.

Davey laughed. Why the hell not? “No, take that back. I am gay. I am definitely gay.”

He chanced a look at Jade, suddenly feeling reckless and carefree. Maybe this would ruin his friendship with Jade, but it had been a dream up until yesterday. It was too good to be true anyway.

Still, he was relieved to see that though Jade looked surprised, his smile was still intact. “Wasn’t quite what I expected,” he admitted, a strange, defeated edge to his voice. It wasn’t harsh or disgusted, it sounded- if anything- sad. Surrendering.

“Was that a why-are-all-the-good-genes-gay desolate sigh, or is there something else?” Davey asked, smiling slightly.

Jade put his hands behind his head and yawned, cat-like and incredibly seductive.

Davey shook his head, hard. He needed to pace himself. He was gay, he had journals full of proof- full of Jade- but Jade was not. He was gorgeous, he was talented, he probably had constant streams of girlfriends as weird and funny and smart and perfect as he was. Jade was straight, and no matter what Davey might imagine, he would stay that way. His whole body ached, called out for Jade’s smooth skin and sad eyes, cried for the warmth of another, of Jade. And yet, knowing that he could never have this, never fulfill this desire- he was relieved. He didn’t know if he could cope with happiness, with getting what he wanted. He preferred emotionally displaced misery to feeling love and losing it, because he would lose it, would drive it away.

He always did.

He always lost the things he loved, the things that made him happy… like Adam. Like the old house. Like everything- and usually, it was his fault. It was entirely his fault.

“There might be,” Jade laughed. “If you don’t want Adam to ring the doorbell, we should probably go out front.”

Davey nodded reluctantly. Of course there would be someone else to take away from his big confession, steal the focus away before it could sink in and mean something to him. “Yeah, you’re right,” he sighed. “Let’s go.”

˚

“Adam, this-”

“Is Jade. I recognize him, Dave,” Adam said acidly.

Davey winced, knees weak, and looked at Adam pleadingly.  
His best friend’s face went soft, and joking, but Davey couldn’t relax. Adam had so much power here. He should have made Jade go home.

Adam and Jade dropped through the window. Davey took as much air into his lungs as possible and, as a shadow, slipped in behind them.

His heart stopped when he saw Jade sprawled on his bed. Adam was straddling his desk chair and there wasn’t much available seating, but it was the principle of the thing. Gingerly, Davey set himself on the mattress and leaned against the wall, careful not to touch Jade. “So what did you ditch me for yesterday?” Adam asked. Davey smiled and pointed at Jade, suddenly exhausted. Would it be okay to let himself sleep? Did he trust Adam so close to his desk?

What kind of question is that? Davey scolded himself. If he couldn’t trust Adam, he was alone in the world.

Before guilt for not telling Adam first, Davey let his eyes close and exhaled.

He had never fallen asleep faster in his life.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=2717>  



	3. pt. 3

Jade motioned to Davey, directing Adam’s eyes to the slumped wraithlike form sliding down the wall and towards Jade’s lap.

“Dave’s a heavy sleeper,” Adam warned. “No, I mean heavy. He gains about ninety pounds every time he lies down. If he lands on you, you’re trapped.”

“That’s okay,” Jade said, his voice cracking. Adam noticed, raised his eyebrows.

“Up all night screaming?”

“No. Talking,” Jade said, hating the way his stomach jolted when he looked at Davey, whose head now rested in the cushion made by Jade’s bent knee.

“On his front yard,” Adam said blankly. Jade looked up at Adam sharply. His tone had changed dramatically.

“Yeah,” he agreed. “Should I wonder?”

“How I know? It’s- when he lived across the street- we used to-” Adam struggled to find words.

Jade felt his heart sink. Of course he’d known, as soon as Davey had said those words, that Adam was more than his best friend. He’d seen the way Davey’s face had changed when he spoke of Adam and suspected- but the confession sealed his suspicions. Jade wished that, more than anything, Davey hadn’t told him he was gay. It was taunting him. If Davey had been straight, it would have been fine: the usual unattainability. But this- this was almost unbearable pain.

Davey was warm, pressed into Jade’s leg. Jade resisted the urge to stroke the younger boy’s raven hair. Jade said thickly, “Yeah, he mentioned that you two are always… together.” The last word stuck on his tongue and rasped out, stabbing Jade in the chest. Adam’s face changed.

“He said that,” Adam said flatly, disbelievingly.

Jade smiled reassuringly. “Yeah, but it’s okay. I’m fine with it.”

Adam nodded uneasily. Jade liked Adam, despite what he had taken away- every dream, every stolen second of imagination. Every wish that had occupied Jade’s sophomore year of watching the beautiful, dark freshman- instead of Davey’s proximity being the best thing that had ever happened to Jade’s dreams, it was the worst. Jade wished he could hate Adam, but he couldn’t do it. All he could do was wonder- was the pain of losing his dreams even worth the tentative friendship with Davey?  
Of course. It was ridiculous to even consider otherwise. A flesh friend was better than an imagined lover, in that the Davey in his lap was real- if taken- and the one in his head was not.

“I’m really glad you live so close. Davey needs someone to look out for him,” Adam said awkwardly.

“Yeah?” Jade said, forcing himself to look away from Davey’s smooth eyelids, curled lashes, perfect lips-

“He, uh, he gets himself into trouble sometimes. He makes great points, but can’t always- uh- back them up, when it comes to guys twice his size. He likes to pick fights and leave someone else to clean them up.”

Jade smiled, and allowed one hand to brush Davey’s head as he pretended to scratch an itch on his leg. “You’ve taken some of his bruises?”

Adam shrugged. “It’s no big deal. He carries more than enough scars for both of us.”

Jade nodded. He’d noticed the raised white lines on Davey’s arms. In certain lights, they were invisible on the pale skin- but other times, if you knew what to look for, they were plain as day. “He stop?” he asked softly. He had no business to know, but he couldn’t help asking- he wanted to pull Davey into his arms and hold him there forever, protect him from whatever attacked, real or imagined, to destroy anyone who tried to hurt him. No one deserved the scars Davey wore.

Adam stiffened. “You’ll take care of him, won’t you,” he stated. “Because if you aren’t for real, if you aren’t willing to be there no matter what- with him, you gotta be real. You gotta be there when he needs you. You’re in or you’re out- there’ll be no running, no hiding. He can’t handle that. If you’re just gonna hurt him, leave now and don’t come back.”

The benevolence evident in Adam’s voice made Jade ache to not be alone, to be the one saying threatening those words about Davey, not the one hearing them.

“If I ever hurt him,” Jade started, voice wavering, “I-”  
He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t finish. He slipped out from under Davey, agile and fast but barely moving his (cement) sleeping form.

“Adam,” Jade said sincerely, huge brown eyes ringed in black tearing into Adam’s soul, “I’m sorry. I want to be the one there for him so badly-” his voice caught, and he took a deep breath. “So badly,” he echoed, “that I don’t think I could stand aside and watch you love him, watch you… love each other. I- it would kill me,” he finished painstakingly. He climbed onto Davey’s desk and hefted himself to the windowsill.

“Jade,” Adam said in a strange voice, “we aren’t- Dave and I-”

Jade shook his head. “Tell him to stay away from me,” he begged, voice weak, and slid out the window.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=2717>  



	4. pt. 4

Jade slept until the sunset, and when he woke up he was cold. He opened his window to let in some warm air and perched in its wide-silled wood opening, his acoustic guitar in his lap. He swallowed the horrible burning in his throat and slowly began picking out the melody of the song Davey have sung for his brother.

Slowly, he brought the song into music, and he played it carefully over and over, making adjustments and writing down notes on a blank piece of sheet music tacked to his wall. Once he had the melody down, he started expanding- adding little flairs that showed off his ability, palm-muting the more delicate lines, until finally he was satisfied. What he had written down was nearly good enough to be paired with Davey’s voice. He neatly copied the strands of music onto a fresh page and wrote ‘for your band’ at the bottom. He tried to think of what Davey had called the song, but after being so absorbed in the melody all he could remember of those words was part of the chorus, which he scrawled along the top of the page: Am I Your Anything?. He folded the sheet of music into a tight, white square and slid it inbetween the strings of the guitar. If Davey came out onto his lawn, Jade would go down and give it to him. If he didn’t, Jade would leave the music where it was: in the strings of his guitar.

It was a perfect plan- until it started to rain.

Jade closed his window and sighed. There was no good way to avoid Davey, not when the very thought of the boy next door made Jade’s heart race. And certainly not when these thoughts were so common.

˚

Morning found Jade’s ugly chair occupied by his sleeping form and his bed occupied by Hunter’s. Jade slowly stretched out each long limb, yawned, and slowly opened his eyes-

“Shit! Hunter! What are you doing here?” he yelped, sitting up straight.

“Grnnfm,” Hunter moaned, rolling over.

“Hunter,” Jade said more calmly, out of the chair and next to the bed. “Wake up. Why are you-”

“Too wasted to go home,” Hunter snapped, burying his face in one of Jade’s pillows.

Jade sighed and pulled the pillow off Hunter’s face.

Hunter beamed happily. Jade decided that Hunter was not yet hung-over, and still drunk. “I met a cute boy last night,” he informed Jade, pulling the black and white checkerboard quilt up over his face.

“Yeah?” Jade asked, perking up in spite of himself. “You talk to him?”

“I gave him your number. He had good hair,” Hunter mumbled.

“What color?” Jade asked, grinning.

“Blond,” Hunter answered.

“You know I don’t like blonds.”

“I’ve biased you against them. They’re a good race…”

“You’re not blond, you’re albino,” Jade informed Hunter.

“You love men,” Hunter shot back, stifling a groan.

“Sleep it off, Hunt. We’ll talk about him when you wake up,” Jade sighed, stretching and getting to his feet.

“Tell Smith to turn his music down or I’ll puke in your bed,” Hunter called after Jade as he headed towards the door.

˚

Showered and dressed, Jade crept into his room and left coffee on the nightstand for Hunter, who had not yet followed through with his threat. Hunter was a magnet for gay teens; attracting guys the way Jade attracted girls, he’d started the habit of distributing Jade’s number to the best ones.

Jade usually avoided answering the phone.

“Phone,” Smith grunted at Jade, who had flinched when it rang. “Some guy for you.”

Jade flinched again. “Ask him if he’s blond.”

Smith’s door swung shut and Jade gingerly approached the phone. “Hello?” he said carefully.

“Jade?” was Davey’s hesitant reply. Relief flooded Jade at the sound of the newly familiar voice. If Davey was willing to speak to him, Adam hadn’t told him anything.

Probably. “Yeah,” Jade said cautiously.

“Can I come over?” Davey asked, voice low and pleading.

“You okay?” Jade asked, concern creeping into his voice.

Davey whimpered softly.

“Yeah, of course,” Jade added hurriedly. “You wanna get outta here? I can drive us somewhere-”

“Just unlock the door,” Davey begged, and hung up.

˚

“Try not to make noise, Hunter crashed here,” Jade said, face creased in concern as he led Davey up to his room. If he hadn’t sounded so desperate, he wouldn’t have let him come, he promised himself. He wasn’t going to be Davey’s friend, he wasn’t going to torture himself and endanger Adam’s wrath- but how could he possibly say no to the need he heard in Davey’s voice? Still, Jade remembered Adam’s warning. He was going to have to say no sooner or later, and that was going to hurt Davey. He knew that. Hell, it was going to hurt him; and after? Well, Adam would probably hurt him too.

Ashen-faced and silent, Davey followed Jade into his room, shrunken inside a blue sweatshirt.

“What’s the deal?” Jade asked, shoving a heap of clothes off his ugly chair and gesturing for Davey to sit down.

Looking even smaller- had he ever been so tiny?- in the overstuffed chair, he said hoarsely, “I didn’t want to be alone.”

Jade pushed the sleeves of his black button-down shirt up around his elbows. Underneath was an over-washed, nearly grey Rancid t-shirt. His faded jeans were shredded up, ripping further as he sat down on the floor. “What happened, Dave?” he asked.

Davey stared pointedly at the corner of Jade’s ceiling and said in a hollow, emotionless voice, “I itched.”

His chapped bottom lip split open as he spoke, and when he lifted his arm to wipe at the blood Jade saw a large wet stain spreading on the underside of the sweatshirt sleeve.

Jade caught Davey’s arm at the elbow gently. “Davey?”

Davey continued to stare at the ceiling, paler.

“Davey?” Jade repeated softly. “Davey, look at me.”

Davey’s eyes flicked over Jade’s face and settled there, blank and frightened.

“What the hell did you do, Dave?” Jade asked roughly, jerking the sleeve up-

“What the fuck, Davey?” Jade yelled, recoiling like he’d been hit, eyes wide and angry, staring down at the slow, lazy line tracing Davey’s soft skin, too high up to be dangerous but deep enough to bleed. “Are you trying to get some fucking attention, you asshole? Because you’ve got it! I’m fucking listening, Dave! We’re all fucking waiting for you to talk!”

Davey’s eyes changed, focused on Jade, and he looked startled. “Adam never-” he started to say.

“Adam fucking didn’t know!”

“He knew-”

“Then he’s fucking retarded!” Jade yelled, spinning away from Davey. “Doesn’t he fucking understand that this- this is bad, Davey! This isn’t good! You can’t do this!”

“It’s okay,” Davey said, scared. “It doesn’t-”

“It’s not okay!” Jade said, energy exhausted. He lowered his voice weakly. “It’s not okay. I’m not going to let you do this, Davey,” he said, voice resigned. “I- I’m not going to let you hurt yourself.”

Tears in wide, frightened eyes, Davey didn’t move. Jade slowly came back to him. Softly, begging with his eyes, Jade asked what no one ever had: “Why?”

˚

“That hurts,” Davey informed Jade as he cleaned Davey’s cut with peroxide, dutifully cleaning and bandaging it, ignoring the other lines as best as he could.

“And yet doing this doesn’t,” Jade said dryly. He felt sick.

Davey resisted the urge to wrench his arm away. No one had ever done this before; Adam had only sighed and said his name in a pained way. But Jade- Jade had been angry, and now this- Jade had cared-

Jade tilted his head back and admired his handiwork as Davey stared intently at the tile on the bathroom floor.

Jade’s next words shocked both boys equally: “Okay, now take off your shirt.”

Davey looked at Jade in surprise, but Jade just stared at the white gauze on Davey’s skinny forearm. Davey lifted the sweatshirt over his head slowly, and Jade’s breath caught in his throat.

What are you doing? He thought angrily, turning away. “Leave it in the sink,” Jade ordered. “We’ll have to wash the sleeve; that’ll stain.”

Davey shivered in his t-shirt. The Puget’s house was ridiculously cold.

“C’mon,” Jade said. “You can wear one of my sweatshirts.”

Davey’s heart raced at the prospect of wearing Jade’s clothes. Part of him wished he’d gotten blood on more than the sweatshirt, but then he reminded himself that Jade didn’t like what he did, it was wrong. He should be ashamed; this was different than with Adam.

“You coming?” Jade asked. Davey started, and followed him back to his room.

˚

“What’s this?” Davey asked, tucked into a paint-splattered black sweatshirt, pointing at the folded piece of paper in the strings of Jade’s guitar.

Jade blushed, color climbing up his cheeks, and he looked away as he mumbled, “Just- this thing- for you.”

“For me?” Davey asked teasingly. “You’ve been daydreaming about me again, haven’t you?”

“All day long,” Jade laughed, hoping it sounded convincingly like a joke.

Because it wasn’t.

“Well, can I have it?” Davey asked, hesitant to take it.

Jade rubbed his neck and grabbed the guitar before he could change his mind. He flicked the square at Davey.

“There’s no keeping it from you,” he said. “I don’t want it anyway,” he added. As Davey started unfolding it, Jade closed his eyes and absent-mindedly began to pick out the already-familiar melody. After about a minute, Davey’s faint voice joined.

It might have been a meaningful experience if Hunter hadn’t decided to throw a pillow at Jade and yelp, “Shut up!”

˚

“My mom wants you guys to stay for dinner,” Jade announced, coming back upstairs. Davey and Hunter stopped talking as soon as he entered the room and quickly hid the paper they had been crowded around. After an awkward silence, they both spoke at the same time, “Yeah, okay.”

“Great,” Jade said lamely, suspiciously. “What were you saying about me?”

“I was telling Dave about your hot date with Anthony,” Hunter lied.

“Who’s Anthony?” Jade asked, blushing.

“The blond,” Hunter said, and they were both oblivious to the look of shock on Davey’s face as they laughed.

“He never called,” Jade informed Hunter, becoming serious.

“You didn’t answer the phone,” Hunter accused, while Davey’s mouth continued to hang open.

“I don’t want you to set me up with anyone, Hunter,” Jade said, exasperated. “I’ll find someone on my own terms,” he finished, trying very hard, but not entirely succeeding, to not look at Davey as he said this. Davey was with Adam. Davey was out of his league. Davey was a wasted dream.

Davey squeaked in an awkwardly high-pitched voice, “Anthony’s a guy’s name.”

“Have we a homophobe?” Hunter laughed, raising his eyebrows at Davey. Jade barely stopped himself from gagging in horror. Davey didn’t know-

“N-no, I-” Davey stuttered, turning several interesting shades of pink. “I just d-didn’t think that-”

“Girls! Dinner!” Smith yelled up the stairs. Jade rolled his eyes, relieved, and Hunter yelled, “Coming, honey,” back down them. The three boys followed.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=2717>  



	5. pt. 5

“It was nice of you to stop by, Hunter,” Jade’s mother assured the suddenly charming boy. “You too, Dave. Jade has such nice friends, doesn’t he, Smith?”

Smith grinned through a mouthful of food. “The vegan one should come over more often.”

“I’m sorry about the meat, it’s just that Jade’s the only vegetarian-” Mrs. Puget immediately began apologizing.

“Really, it’s fine,” Davey assured her for the nth time.

“If you’re sure,” she said uncertainly, eying his thin, pale frame suspiciously. “Anyway, I’m glad you’re settling into the neighborhood so quickly. Tell your mother to stop by anytime.”

“I will,” Davey assured her for the nth time.

“I know what it’s like to be the new mom! Make sure she knows there’s a warm welcome next door,” Mrs. Puget repeated firmly.

“I will,” Davey assured her for the nth time.

“You’re always welcome here,” she told him warmly.

“Thank you,” Davey said, relatively stunned by the new phrase.

“Mom!” Jade finally interrupted. “Will you let Dave go?” Apologetically, he said to Davey, “I’ve gotta drive Hunter home. I don’t know how he got here. See you… later?” he finished awkwardly.

Davey nodded. “You want your sweatshirt back?”

Jade shrugged. “When I give you yours, yeah. Until then, keep that one.”

Davey forced back his smile. He wasn’t willing to admit how badly he’d wanted to keep it for just one more day.

˚

“You aren’t just being nice to Dave. You have another motive, don’t you?” Hunter accused Jade as he fumbled with the seatbelt.

Jade flushed and jammed his keys into the ignition. “I feel bad for him,” Jade insisted, twisting the key violently and shifting into gear.

“I think you like him,” Hunter announced. Jade took the corner hard.

“He moved away from his best friend. Although I’m starting to think that it might not be such a bad thing.”

Hunter smiled smugly as Jade careened onto his street. “You’re only proving that I’m right.”

“I hope your parents wonder where you were last night,” Jade spat.

“At your house, naturally. I think I’ll talk to his friend Adam about this-”

Jade slammed his foot down on the brake pedal in Hunter’s driveway. Dead serious, he pushed the lock button and said, “Don’t you dare, Hunter. They’re… together.”

Hunter mockingly gagged and popped out the lock. “Disgusting,” Hunter moaned. “I’m off it. I bet they _love_ each other and stuff. Oh, ew, they're actual high school sweethearts! Fuck, what if they go to _prom_? I need you to disinfect my brain before the image is burned in forever.”

Jade laughed. “You know, Hunter, in my loneliness…” he teased.

Hunter looked at him disgustedly. “No, that’s not funny. Romance is foul.”

“Love you too, sweetie,” Jade said sarcastically as Hunter shuddered and slammed the door.

˚

Davey laid on his mattress and stared at the ceiling, speaking softly into the phone.

“Yeah, I went to his house,” he said slowly. “No, but Adam, I fucked up. No, listen, I’m serious! I did NOT hit on his brother!” he laughed. “No, shut up. Not that bad- no, I didn’t eat the food. Yeah, his mother made it,” Davey said seriously. “I mean, Hunter ate enough for both of us, but- yeah, you know Hunter. Really? He knows you… Yeah, okay. Practice sounds good. Vic’s? Okay. If he wants to. All right, see ya,” Davey finished and hung up the phone. He sighed heavily and kicked it across the room.

“Adam, you do not understand what it’s like to pretend you don’t love someone,” he told his empty room. “Especially when that someone is thrust at you constantly, is beautiful and lonely and perfect-” he stopped, frowned, and started laughing. “You also have no idea what it’s like to be absolutely schizophrenic,” Davey added, rolling onto his stomach and muttering to himself, laughing.

˚

Jade couldn’t help himself. The ringing caught him off-guard and before he could stop himself the phone was in his hand. “Hello?”

“Um, hello. Hi. Um, this is Adam Carson. Is- um- is Jade there?”

Jade felt his stomach tighten up. “Gonna tell me to back off?” he asked, dead-serious.

“Jade?” Adam asked.

“Yeah. Look, I’m sorry. I-I’ll leave him alone,” Jade sighed. “Like I said I would.”

“We’re talking about Davey?” Adam asked. “Good. I need to talk to you about Davey.”

“I know,” Jade said. “I know. What you guys have is-”

“Um, you’re gay, right?” Adam asked as quickly as possible.

“Uh- yeah…,” Jade said, startled. Maybe there were some people in the universe that didn’t know. Which was weird, it had seemed like everyone had always known, ever since he came out.

“So you- uh- you can kind of tell, right? If other guys are- uh, you know?”

Jade laughed. He couldn’t help it. “Almost never,” he admitted. Fuck awkwardness; it was a waste of time. This conversation would clearly end badly, so why bother avoiding it? “Most people aren’t as obviously gay as I am.”

Adam cleared his throat, not quite as freed as Jade. “So- d’you think- uh, Davey- is he, uh, g-gay?”

Slowly, confused, Jade said, “You two are- you’re together, aren’t you?”

Something like panic slipped into Adam’s voice. “N-no! I barely even know if he’s-”

Jade swallowed hard. His head felt suddenly fuzzy. “So basically what you’re saying is, you’re both straight?”

Adam forced a weak laugh. “I’m not so sure about Davey, if he’s- if he just deified you, or if it’s love.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Jade finally managed, voice broken and heart thudding out of control.

“I’m not sure,” said Adam, and the rest of Jade’s questions were directed at the dial tone.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=2717>  



	6. pt. 6

Jade woke to a horrible banging on his door. “Mmftum,” he said, yawning enormously and stretching out slowly. The beating continued.

“Come in,” he groaned, “and stop making that noise!”

Davey walked in, looking sheepish. Jade sat bolt upright, hair sticking out at numerous strange angles, sheets tangled around him, and wearing only blue plaid boxers.

“Nice tattoo,” Davey said, eyes riveted on the tribal design on Jade’s arm.

“Thank you…” Jade said, half-convinced he was still dreaming.

“I was wondering if you wanted to come to Vic’s house with me. Vic Chalker? We’re practicing… you could, um, help Mark.”

“That would only insult him,” Jade said, very simply. “If you brought someone else to show him how to play. That wouldn’t make anyone happy.”

“Then don’t play, I don’t care. Just- please, come with me,” Davey said quietly.

“Why?” Jade asked, absent-mindedly flattening his hair.

“You don’t want to hear us play?” Davey asked, sounding almost hurt.

Jade took a deep breath. He was going to do it, what he’d always known he had to do- “Not really,” Jade said, as emotionlessly as possible. He couldn’t believe he was doing this.

Definitely hurt now but struggling to hide it- don’t seem desperate- Davey said, “Okay, maybe I’ll see you after.”

“I don’t think so,” Jade said slowly, vaguely. “Your sweatshirt’s on my chair, if you want it.”

Davey nodded, biting down on his tongue. He didn’t understand why Jade was being so cold. What had he done wrong?

He picked up his sweatshirt and set Jade’s down in its place. “See you around,” he tried, desperate for any sign of the receptive, friendly Jade- his friend Jade Puget, he’d barely gotten used to the idea and now it was being ripped away from him-

“Hard to avoid it, you’re my neighbor,” Jade said, sounding almost… disgusted.

“I’ll do my best,” snapped Davey.

“Davey, you’re a nice kid,” Jade said, swallowing hard. “But I think it’s better if you don’t come by anymore. I mean, you’re… really fucked up.”

“Thanks,” said Davey sarcastically. “It’s nice to know you’re here for me.”

“I never said that,” Jade said coolly.

“I thought you were a good guy,” Davey said carefully.

“I am.”

“What? So I’m the problem?”

“Maybe.”

“I don’t need to take this from you!” Davey said. “I get enough of this shit at home. I thought you cared, Jade-”

“I don’t know you well enough to care. You’re acting like I’ve known you all my life-”

“I’m acting like I trust you!”

“Your mistake,” Jade said, and his words hurt them both equally.

“Fuck you. You’re just- you’re just a stupid goddamn faggot!” Davey spat before he could stop himself.

Shocked, and now beginning to get angry- this was uncalled for, he didn’t want to fight with Davey, just to end this before he hurt himself- Jade shot back, “Don’t waste your breath. I already know that. And so do you.”

Davey immediately regretted his words. He saw the hurt look on Jade’s face. He’d gone too far. “Jade, I-”

“What else, Dave?” Jade asked, voice dark. “Going to point out my other weaknesses? Mock me for loving, maybe? Laugh at me for thinking I can play the guitar? Or, I know- are you going to bring up how I used to be anorexic? Is that going to be your new platform of attack? C’mon, Dave, let’s hear it. Let’s hear you point out everything that’s wrong with me, because you sure as hell know.”

“That’s not what I-”

“Maybe you should just leave, Dave.”

“No, Jade- I want to-”

“This isn’t going to work,” Jade said firmly. “I don’t think we can be friends.”

“Why not?” Davey demanded, desperate despair eating away at his insides. “Why not, Jade? Because I got mad and said something stupid?”

“Because I love you!” Jade yelled. He couldn’t stop himself.

Davey froze. The color drained out of him. “Is that supposed to be funny?” he whispered.

“You tell me!” Jade begged pathetically, staring at Davey fiercely.

“It’s not,” Davey whispered, and burst out of Jade’s room and into silent, shaking tears.

˚

Jade put on the sweatshirt as soon as he heard the front door close. It smelled like Davey. Davey, who he could never have. Adam’s sick little joke had only reminded him that Davey was never going to be his, that he would only end up hurting the poor kid by torturing himself, and he’d done what he had to. Maybe he would have taken that risk if Davey hadn’t utterly shunned his confession- disgusted by it; none of Jade’s attacks made him leave, but those few true words had terrified and revolted him so deeply that he hadn’t been able to look at Jade for a single second longer-

But he crawled into the sweatshirt anyway, and fought hard not to cry. He’d just shoved away the one person he’d ever loved by confessing that love. He was as miserable as could be expected.

That’s when something in the sweatshirt pocket stabbed him.

˚

Davey froze halfway across his lawn, tears still pouring freely down his face.

Shit. The note was still in the sweatshirt. Jade couldn’t read what he’d written on the sheet of music; cruel Jade, mocking him- Adam had told him, hadn’t he? Adam had told him how much Davey loved him and repulsed, Jade had thrown it in his face so horribly- couldn’t even bear to be his friend anymore-

Jade would wash the sweatshirt, probably. So disgusted by Davey, he would ruin the note unknowingly.

But he wanted it! He wanted to hide it away and treasure it forever- he could never turn it over to Mark, but someday maybe he could hear it played- but he couldn’t go back there. Not back to that horrible, cruel creature that he was somehow in love with…

He couldn’t go back there and prove just how much he needed Jade.

˚

Jade held the square of paper in his hand, the corners slightly worn. He recognized it; it was the music he’d written out for Davey. That was the final blow; Davey couldn’t have hurt him more if he’d tried. Even rejecting his love wasn’t as bad as rejecting his music. Rejecting the most important thing in his life.

Anger flared up in him, intensifying the pain, even as he slowly unfolded the sheet of music. He’d destroy it, he decided. He would make this music stop existing, then; he couldn’t live with its rejection so he would destroy it, make himself forget. He’d make himself stop loving Davey; he’d meet someone else.

Or maybe he’d just get drunk. He could just call Hunter.  
And then he looked down at the paper in his shaking hands. Underneath the bars of music, Davey had written in lyrics. At the top of the page, under Jade’s Am I Your Anything?, Davey’s spidery writing replied: the song is called morningstar. but you? you are my everything.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=2717>  



	7. pt. 7

“Hunter! I need your help,” Jade said the second Hunter picked up the phone.

“No gay stuff,” Hunter warned. “I’m done helping you with your love life- you don’t want any of the dates I set up for you anyway.”

“I need you to find a house,” Jade said, not laughing at Hunter’s joke.

“What makes you think I could-” Hunter began indignantly.

“You know everyone,” Jade stated flatly.

“Touché,” Hunter said, and Jade could hear him smiling. “So who do you want me to find?”

“Vic Chalker.”

Hunter paused. Slowly, he asked, “This is about Davey, isn’t it?”

“…I love him, Hunt.”

Hunter exhaled heavily. “I know.”

˚

Jade, now fully clothed in black jeans, a Misfits t-shirt, and thirty gallons of freshly produced sweat, reluctantly handed the keys to Hunter. “Can’t you just-”

“No. I’ve wanted to drive this car ever since you got it and this is my only chance,” Hunter said stubbornly. “I know where Vic lives. You do not. I don’t need to get there. You do. It’s a matter of values, Jade. How much do you love this kid? More than you love your car?”

“This isn’t fair,” Jade moaned.

“I’m only asking to drive it once! I’ve never been in an accident, you retard!”

“You lost your license.”

“Not for bad driving! Being drunk and being bad at driving are two totally different things! Will you please trust me and just relax, you paranoid spaz?”

“Which one?” Jade moaned, climbing over to the passenger side of his car. “God knows I can’t do both.”

Hunter stuck his tongue out at Jade. “Now, isn’t Davey with Adam?” he asked calmly as he backed out of the driveway.

Jade sighed. “I don’t know,” he said miserably. “I don’t care anymore. I’ve been obsessed with this guy since the beginning of sophomore year, Hunt. And I said I… I have to know the truth. I can’t play this goddamn game anymore.”

“Ha! I knew it. I knew you were in love with him!”

“You also thought he was a girl.”

“For about a second! Some girls have short hair,” Hunter defended himself. “Some guys wear eyeliner,” he added darkly. “If you’ll notice who I spend the majority of my time with, it’s not my fault I’m so easily confused. My best friend is practically Lola.”

Ignoring Hunter’s comments, Jade went on, “I just- I can’t pretend, Hunter. Before I knew him, it was easier- I could pretend he was an asshole. But he’s not… he’s sweet and funny and he needs me and… I just have to know…” Jade trailed off.

“He does not need you,” Hunter announced.

“Thank you for your support,” Jade said dryly.

“No problem,” Hunter chirped, and, ignoring Jade’s protests, slammed his foot on the gas pedal.

˚

Adam flinched when Davey stopped singing and turned to him, once again. “What now?” he sighed.

First, the beat had been too fast, then too slow, then the bass had been off, and then Mark’s guitar had been out of tune- nothing was right. And Dave himself could barely sing. His voice was horribly mangled. It sounded almost like he’d been crying.

“I’m sorry,” was what Davey said instead. “I’m the one that’s off, you guys have just been… perfect.”

Adam grinned. Davey never admitted when he was wrong; he just kept defending his point until everyone else got so sick of hearing him talk that they told him he was right.

“I’ve just- had a lot of stress lately. Moving and shit. I’m kind of wound tight.”

“Oh, he’s kind of wound tight,” Vic snorted. “Barely even noticed.”

“Guys! Behave. Okay, Dave; what song do you want to do?” Mark asked.

“The one that’s good?” Davey tried hopefully.

Mark laughed. “What one of OUR songs do you want to do?”

Davey laughed too, but inside he was dying. It wasn’t the music- it was all of this. But he couldn’t say that.

˚

“You’re taking the long way.”

“I am not taking the long way.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No, I’m not. Relax.”

“This is taking too long. You don’t even have his address.”

“Yes, I do.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Would you like to hold the piece of paper that the address is written on?”

“It’s a bogus address. You just wanted to drive my car.”

“Calm down.”

“Drive faster.”

“Just a few minutes ago you were shrieking like a girl for me to slow down.”

“Was not.”

“Oh, okay. That must have been me.”

“Are we there yet?”

“Why yes, as a matter of fact Vic does live in the middle of the highway. We’re here. Why don’t you get out of the car.”

“You’re not funny.”

“I’m laughing.”

“You’re taking the long way.”

“I am NOT taking the long way…”

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=2717>  



	8. pt. 8

Davey finally gave up. “I need a break, guys,” he sighed. “Fifteen minutes and a drink and I’ll be fine.”

And so, when Jade- pushed by Hunter- stumbled valiantly into Vic’s garage, no one was waiting.

He had wanted to interrupt something, anything; wanted Davey to stop what he was doing and look up, and either love him or say no, a real solid answer, in front of people. Something absolute, something final. That was all.

And that was clearly not going to happen. All determination and nervousness flooded out of him, it was a tired, sad-looking Jade that turned to Hunter weakly and said slowly, “Maybe this isn’t as important as I thought it was. Maybe it’s not-”

Hunter said firmly, “So you lost your entrance. Big deal. You’re doing this.”

“No, I-”

“I have you car keys. We are not leaving here until this is done,” Hunter informed Jade.

“Hunt, I’m scared,” Jade whimpered. “Please. Let’s just go home. I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to be rejected again… it was all so much easier before I was here, when I could just burst in and have it be too late. But now I have time to take it back, and I want to.”

“You want to be miserable?” Hunter asked, eyebrows raised. “For the rest of your life? Because we both know that if you don’t do this now, you never will.”

“For the rest of my life,” Jade repeated, nodding.

“Oh, Jesus,” Hunter said, voice raised in exasperation. “I’m so sick of dealing with you like this! You are pathetic, lovesick fuckboy, and it- it’s just sick. You are going to do this right now, Jade. You are going to do this or I am doing it for you. I am a straight man. I have better things to worry about. We have better things to be do.”

“Like blowing up mailboxes?” Jade asked, trying to smile.

“Better than this,” Hunter announced, ignoring how utterly pathetic and hopeless his friend’s face was.

“I don’t know what to say, Hunt!” Jade moaned.

“Play it,” Hunter instructed softly.

“What?” Jade asked, confused.

“Play the damn song,” Hunter ordered through gritted teeth, backing out the door.

Helplessly, Jade stumbled over to the guitar. Dazed, he picked it up and slid the strap over his shoulder. It fit differently; it was a Warlock, he’d never played one of those. But his fingers fell onto the strings perfectly. It was still a guitar.

And suddenly everything in the world made sense, and Jade was whole again. He didn’t need to think anymore; his fingers knew what to do. Softly at first, then growing stronger, he traced the melody with a distant look of peace on his face. As the song picked up, so did the ferocity of his playing. The neck was too thin, the guitar was tuned very poorly, he didn’t have a pick, and none of it mattered. It was music. He could understand music.

Hunter stood in the doorway. He’d heard Jade play, and he could play wonderfully, but never like this. This was real, tangible… he was playing with his heart, now. Playing what he felt, improvising and improving. The melody was changed, but somehow the same. And Hunter could feel that this wasn’t music anymore. This was something much more. It was life, it was death… it was Jade.

˚

“What the hell?” Mark said, freezing with a can of soda halfway to his mouth.

“Shit,” Vic said. “There’s someone in the garage.”

“There’s someone playing my goddamn guitar!” Mark yelped. Adam got up abruptly, and the three of them ran to the garage, not looking back at Davey. There was a stricken look of horror on his face, and slowly he got to his feet.

He got into the garage after the other three, who were all just staring at the kid holding the guitar. He was good. He was playing like he meant it. Mark and Vic looked furious, but Adam was grinning. Davey stopped and looked at Adam, who nodded towards Jade.

Jade’s eyes found Davey’s as he finished the song. Words stuck in his throat. This was so much harder than he’d expected. He lifted the guitar over his head, and leaned it back against its stand.

“I- I’m sorry-” he choked. “I shouldn’t-”

“Why are you here?” Davey asked roughly.

“I came because I… I need to…” Jade stumbled. “I’m… I’m just sorry, that’s… I shouldn’t be here. I’m sorry. I’ll go.”

Angrily, Mark agreed, “Yeah, you should.”

“Who the hell is this?” Vic asked, turning from Mark to Adam in angry confusion.

Jade made no move for the door, from which Hunter was watching intently.

“Dave?” he asked uncertainly.

“I hate you,” Davey said, voice shaking. How could anyone be so cruel? “Why are you doing this to me?”

Jade hung his head, tears clawing at his throat. For the second time that day, his response was: “B-because I… I love you.”

Everyone froze. Adam’s smile was gone. He looked at Davey expectantly.

“You love me,” Davey repeated hollowly.

Jade nodded miserably. “I thought that maybe… you… I’m… fuck,” he finished desperately, looking up through his long bangs at Davey, no hope in his eyes, only misery and tears.

“For real?” Davey asked, voice small.

“Why would I lie about that?” Jade asked, and before he could say anything else, Davey’s mouth was on his, and his arms were around him, and Hunter was somewhere behind them gagging while Vic demanded increasing volume what the hell was going on, and nothing mattered except that moment, there together. It had no beginning and no end; not that he could find.

And then it was over, but Davey was still real and breathing in his arms, murmuring, “I love you so much more than is even possible, you are my everything always…” into his ear, saying it out loud and making it real, making it true-

“Are you two done? Or should I just drive away with out you?” Hunter yelled from behind the wheel of Jade’s car.

Smiling hazily, Jade slipped his hand into Davey’s, filling with subconscious relief when Davey’s fingers slid easily through his own, and led him to the car.

And then, for the first time since he’d gotten his license, Jade got into the backseat.

With Davey.

He thoroughly enjoyed himself there.

 

______________________________  
"Morningstar"

I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing through the melting walls.  
Who will be the first to begin their fall?  
Or will we become one?

Am I the star beneath the stairs?  
Am I a ghost upon the stage?  
Am I your anything?

I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing bright before descent  
and in the morning there is nothing left but what's inside of me.

Am I the star beneath the stairs?  
Am I a ghost upon the stage?  
Am I your anything?

Am I the star beneath the stairs?  
Am I a ghost upon the stage?  
Am I your anything?

And I don't want to die tonight; will you believe in me?  
And I don't want to fall into the light.

Will you wish upon?  
Will you walk upon me?  
I don't want to die tonight.

Will you believe in me tonight?

Am I the star beneath the stairs?  
Am I a ghost upon the stage?  
Am I your anything?

(© A Fire Inside 2000)

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=2717>  



End file.
